Welcome to part two in my three-part series about how being introverted shows up for me as a mom, wife and career-driven woman.
I mentioned in my last post that my husband, Chad, is a complete extrovert. In fact, during premarital counseling, we took an abridged version of the Myers-Briggs and he scored 100 on the extrovert scale (which, by the way, our pastor had never seen before in his decades-long experience! Figures.). Given that we appeared to be polar opposites in the introvert-extrovert sense, our pastor said we would encounter some interesting challenges in our marriage. We figured that was par for the course for any marriage, right? And while it is true that every marriage comes with challenges regardless of where each person falls on the personality scale, there are three challenges that I’ve found to be most common up when one spouse is an introvert and one is an extrovert.
Challenge #1: Handling conflict
We couldn’t be more opposite when it comes to dealing with conflict. Chad faces it head-on and takes action right away. Sometimes I think he even invites conflict just to see how far he can push buttons. I, on the other hand, try everything in my power to avoid conflict. And if I can’t avoid it, rather than tackle it, I get in my head and I passive aggressively respond with an eye roll, heavy sigh or a snarky comment.
Chad is really great about forcing me to address conflict. He’ll ask really direct and pointed questions. He’ll sometimes try to find the humor in it to help ease the tension. Or he’ll just start being really sarcastic, which tends to bring out my sassy side.
But addressing conflict is only one aspect. The other aspect is how you actually resolve it. This is an area our pastor said would be the most challenging because extroverts tend to speak first, then listen. And, when it’s their turn to listen, they don’t. When that happens an introvert is more apt to shut down because they feel like they’re not being heard. And it’s not in their nature to talk over people. So…conflict doesn’t get resolved.
His advice to Chad? Make sure you HEAR her. Let her know that you are listening. Give her a chance to speak.
His advice to me? Speak up right away. Don’t talk yourself out of saying anything at all because you don’t think it’s worth it or you’re worried about how he’ll react. And don’t let him interrupt you.
Challenge #2: How we communicate
Chad is a talker. He can carry a conversation effortlessly with a perfect stranger. He is not afraid to voice his opinions. He’s direct. He talks fast. He speaks with conviction. He speaks first, thinks later (most of the time).
Me? I hate small talk – it’s awkward and just drains my energy. I don’t always voice my opinions because I question whether it’s even worth saying. I always think long and hard before I speak. I have to feel confident in what I’m saying before I say it. I’m soft spoken. Chad would argue that I mumble too much (I think he just can’t hear very well. 😉 ).
So you can imagine how a lot of our conversations play out. He talks…I listen, nod my head, maybe ask questions, maybe add a few thoughts. Many times, I prefer it that way because I enjoy listening. I don’t like the pressure of having to carry a conversation. This works great when we’re out with a big group of people – I appreciate the fact that I know I can rely on him to rescue me from the small talk if I don’t know the people very well.
His advice to Chad? Make sure you’re not always dominating the conversation. That might mean having to pause during a conversation, ask for my thoughts and opinions, draw it out of me a little.
His advice to me? Make sure you participate in the conversation too. Show that you’re actively engaged, even if it’s just nodding along or asking a question every now and then. Get out of your head!
Here’s what I’ve learned about communication between extroverts and introverts…it’s never going to be equal in terms of who talks the most, but it always has to be a two-way conversation for it to be meaningful.
Challenge #3: Managing our social calendars
This is an obvious one because extroverts get their energy from being around people, and introverts get their energy from quiet, alone time. So naturally, Chad enjoys being around lots of people, being busy and active. It’s not to say that I don’t…because I really do like being social and active and busy…but when I do, it takes a lot more energy out of me than it does him. I need some quiet time to recharge my batteries. Then I’m ready to go!
Our pastor said this becomes more of an issue when one person wants to be out and about all the time, and the other would rather not socialize. This isn’t the case with us. And the beauty of it is, I really love the energy that Chad brings – it forces me to get out of my shell, which I think is a good thing. He appreciates how I calm him down.
His advice to both of us was to appreciate how we balance each other out, and give each other the freedom we need to re-energize.
Being married to my extroverted husband is truly a gift for my introverted self. I’m drawn to the sides of me that I wish existed, and am able to find in him. He brings me out of my head and breathes energy into my life. Sure it can be frustrating and exhausting at times…but it’s so worth choosing him and our marriage every day.